Dew is supposed to be defiantly neon, every sip a rush of sugar bros yelling “ARE YOU TRIGGERED” at your tastebuds. Not only is it the most unoriginal and worst-tasting Dew, but the fact that they tried to Crystal Pepsi this is the most insulting thing of all. They added caffeine to deadstock Sierra Mist. Also, this list doesn’t include the Dew Energy drinks, because 1) energy drinks are a whole different thing from sodas and 2) in researching this piece, it’ll be amazing if I make it one second past age 37.) However, the below is still 100-percent correct given what’s included. So if you’re a Pitch Black II or Green Label stan looking for validation, I can’t give you that. (While this is a fairly comprehensive list, it is by no means complete, because there are some Dew flavors I simply never got around to. My blood will become dangerously acidic from drinking all this Dew, and since I’m not a xenomorph, my body will burn and crumble. I’ve put my health on the line to prove once and for all which Dews exemplify the best of us and are a blight on our existence.

I informally shared the list with friends on social media, and I received a more enthusiastic response than to any serious music criticism I’ve written. About a year ago, probably when I was blowing off a deadline, I decided to rank every Dew flavor. But ultimately, some Dew flavors are better than others.

Diet baja blast